Behold the majesty of the 'National Accord,' the latest rebranding of the same tired extortion racket that has defined the Colombian landscape for decades. The ELN, Colombia’s last remaining major rebel group—or as I like to call them, the senior citizens of the revolutionary LARPing community—have graciously released five police officers they kidnapped earlier this month. It is a gesture so grand, so filled with the milk of human kindness, that we are all expected to ignore the fact that the officers were only in this position because the ELN treated them like poker chips in a game no one actually knows how to win.

The group is currently pushing for a 'national accord' to overcome political conflicts. This is a delightful euphemism. Usually, when someone takes people at gunpoint and demands a 'national accord,' we call it a hostage situation. But in the elevated spheres of high-stakes diplomacy and the 'Total Peace' agenda of President Gustavo Petro, it is viewed as a necessary step toward a harmonious future. It’s the political equivalent of a pyromaniac handing back a half-burnt photograph and asking for a seat on the local fire council. The absurdity of it is breathtaking, yet it is treated with the solemnity of a papal visit by the international community and the local media alike.

The Left, in its infinite capacity for performative empathy, will view this release as a breakthrough, a sign that 'dialogue works.' They will wax poetic about the underlying social grievances that drive men into the mountains with rifles, ignoring the reality that once you’ve spent forty years kidnapping people for a living, you aren't a revolutionary; you’re just a career criminal with a better vocabulary and a more fashionable beret. To the Left, every released hostage is a feather in the cap of diplomacy, rather than a reminder of the thousands still living under the shadow of armed extortion. They would rather hug a rebel than admit that the ideology driving them has been dead since the Berlin Wall became a souvenir.

The Right, meanwhile, will respond with their usual brand of moronic bluster, demanding more 'security'—which usually translates to more money for defense contractors and more soldiers to be used as fodder in the next inevitable round of kidnappings. They don't want a solution; they want a perpetual enemy to justify their existence and their budgets. For them, the release of these officers is a sign of weakness, an insult to the uniform, and a reason to buy more helicopters. It is a perfect, self-sustaining ecosystem of failure where the only things growing are the body counts and the cynicism of anyone with a functioning brain cell.

What the ELN is actually seeking with this 'National Accord' is not peace, but a permanent place at the trough. They have realized that the jungle is damp, the food is terrible, and being a 'recognized political entity' is far more lucrative than being a guerrilla movement. To achieve this, they need to convince the world—and the increasingly desperate Petro administration—that they are serious actors. And what better way to show seriousness than by not killing the five men you had no right to take in the first place? It is the ultimate participation trophy of international relations. They are trading the lives of public servants for a seat at the table where the national budget is carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Let us look at the victims—the five police officers. In any functioning society, their kidnapping would be a national scandal that ended with the perpetrators in a hole. In the 'Total Peace' era, they are merely props in a photo op. They were taken in the first week of January, likely while performing the thankless task of trying to maintain order in a country that treats order like an optional DLC. Now, they are free, and we are told this is a victory. It is only a victory if your standards are so low that 'not being dead' is the pinnacle of human achievement. They return to their families not as heroes, but as proof that the state is incapable of protecting its own, and that the only law that matters is the law of the gun.

The 'national accord' itself is a masterpiece of vague terminology. It promises to address 'political conflicts,' which is code for 'rearranging the chairs on the Titanic so everyone gets a better view of the iceberg.' It will involve endless committees, thousands of pages of jargon-heavy reports, and a great deal of self-congratulation in Bogotá hotels. Meanwhile, the actual people of Colombia will continue to live in the shadow of various armed groups who have realized that 'peace' is a far better business model than 'war.' If you can get the government to pay you to stop shooting, why would you ever stop asking for more?

This is the cycle of the Americas. We don't solve problems; we just give them new names and wait for the next kidnapping to restart the negotiations. The ELN knows this. The government knows this. And the police officers, I suspect, know this better than anyone. They are the currency of a bankrupt state, traded back and forth by men who claim to care about the people while stepping over them to get to the microphone. So, let us celebrate the 'National Accord.' Let us applaud the ELN for their sudden discovery of ethics. And let us ignore the fact that the door is still wide open for the next five officers to be snatched as soon as the ELN needs a new round of 'concessions.' In the world of BUCK VALOR, the only thing more certain than death and taxes is the absolute, unmitigated stupidity of the human race trying to negotiate its way out of its own inherent savagery.