WASHINGTON—In an effort to de-escalate rising tensions in the Middle East, the U.S. State Department issued a formal plea Monday urging Syrian government troops to please use their “indoor voices” and “gentle hands” while launching a heavy artillery assault on Kurdish-held Raqqa. “We understand that the Syrian army is eager to reclaim territory, but we simply ask that they tiptoe quietly toward the city center and refrain from slamming their tank doors,” said State Department spokesman Matthew Miller, adding that Washington would be “very disappointed” if the Assad regime resorted to roughhousing or name-calling during the invasion. “If you must annex a strategic stronghold, please do so without running in the hallways or making a mess that the international community has to clean up. We are watching, and if we hear one more loud explosion, we are going to count to three, and you do not want to see what happens when we get to three.” At press time, U.S. officials were scrambling to draft a new statement after Syrian troops were spotted running with scissors near the Turkish border.