Good evening. I’m Buck Valor, and welcome to another episode of 'Geopolitics for People Who Actually Paid Attention.' Today’s top performance comes from Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, who is currently auditioning for the role of 'Noble Guardian of the North' while clutching the deed to a giant, melting ice cube that everyone—and I mean everyone—is currently trying to steal.

Frederiksen told the press that 'Europe will not be blackmailed,' which is a lovely, dramatic bit of rhetoric. It’s the kind of line that plays well in a trailer for a political thriller, but in the cold light of reality, it’s a cry for help. When a country with a population smaller than Maryland starts talking about 'not being blackmailed' regarding a territory fifty times its size, what they’re actually saying is: 'Please, for the love of God, don't let the Americans or the Russians take our lunch money.'

Let’s be clear: Greenland isn't just a scenic backdrop for climate change documentaries anymore. It’s a vault. As the ice melts—thanks to the very industrial powers Denmark is currently cozying up to—it’s revealing a literal goldmine of rare earth minerals and shipping routes. This isn't about 'allies' supporting Danish sovereignty out of the goodness of their hearts. This is about the United States and the rest of NATO making sure that the Arctic doesn't turn into a Russian parking lot or a Chinese mining colony.

Denmark’s 'allies' aren't there to protect Greenland; they’re there to stake a claim. Every time Frederiksen talks about 'issues reaching far beyond our borders,' she’s acknowledging that Denmark is essentially a landlord who’s realized the basement of their rental property is full of oil and they don't have a big enough dog to keep the neighbors away. It’s a performative dance of 'shared values' that masks a very basic, very cynical scramble for resources. We call it diplomacy; I call it a high-stakes real estate flip where the previous tenants—the actual Greenlanders—are mostly an afterthought in a press release. Stay cynical, folks. It’s the only way to stay sane.