KAMPALA—Expressing total shock at the statistical anomaly that has kept him in power since the invention of the cassette tape, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni was declared the winner of the presidential election Saturday after personally tallying the ballots in a soundproof bunker. "It was a real nail-biter, but fortunately, after I disqualified the 4 million votes for the opposition on the grounds that they were written in the wrong font, I managed to squeak by with 104% of the electorate," said Museveni, who credited his victory to his innovative campaign strategy of shutting off the entire country’s internet so nobody could Google who the other candidate was. "I hear Bobi Wine is complaining about 'rigging' and calling for protests, but that is just sore loser talk. In a true democracy, you simply have to want it more, and by 'it,' I mean the allegiance of the military police." At press time, Museveni was seen preemptively swearing himself in for his next three terms to save everyone the hassle of voting until 2040.