Ah, the sweet, putrid scent of bureaucratic rot in the morning. It smells like mothballs, high-tuition dreams, and the desperate perspiration of Ivy League administrators realizing their tax-exempt status might actually have strings attached. We find ourselves today witnessing a truly spectacular collision of two distinct, yet equally nauseating, brands of American idiocy. On one side, we have the Trump administration, a regime that treats the Constitution like a used napkin, demanding a list of Jewish faculty and staff from the University of Pennsylvania. On the other, we have UPenn itself, a glorified hedge fund with a classroom problem, clutching its metaphorical pearls and invoking the ‘frightening history’ of the 20th century to avoid a subpoena. It’s a match made in a very specific, high-end circles of hell.

Let’s start with the federal government’s request, shall we? Under the guise of an ‘antisemitism investigation,’ the Department of Justice—currently operating as a subsidiary of a real estate mogul’s fragile ego—has decided that the best way to protect Jewish people is to create a government-sanctioned database of them. The logic is so profoundly moronic it could only be conceived in a windowless office in D.C. It’s the kind of ‘safety measure’ that usually precedes a very long train ride in a history book. They claim they are looking for transparency, but what they’re really doing is sharpening a dull blade. They aren’t interested in the nuances of campus safety; they’re interested in having a list of names they can use to squeeze an institution they despise. It is the ultimate expression of the Right’s current mode of operation: if you can’t win the intellectual argument, just start demanding the ID cards of the people you don’t like. It’s thuggery dressed up as civil rights enforcement, and it’s as transparent as a glass of cheap gin.

But let us not allow UPenn to escape into the sunset as some sort of noble martyr for academic freedom. The university’s response—that this request recalls a ‘frightening history’—is a masterclass in performative victimhood. For years, these institutions have played footsie with every brand of radicalism that came their way, provided the donors were happy and the rankings stayed high. Now that the federal eye is fixed upon them, they’ve suddenly rediscovered their conscience. They aren't terrified of history; they’re terrified of a loss of federal funding. They invoke the 1930s not because they care about the lessons of the past, but because it’s the most potent rhetorical shield they have to avoid answering uncomfortable questions about their own administrative paralysis. If UPenn actually cared about history, they wouldn’t have spent the last decade turning their campus into a sterile laboratory for ideological conformity. They are essentially a group of lawyers in expensive suits trying to frame a standard legal battle as the opening scene of a World War II drama. It’s embarrassing.

This entire charade highlights the terminal state of the American discourse. We have a government that thinks lists are the solution to hatred, and an academy that thinks adjectives are the solution to tyranny. Neither side has the slightest interest in the actual human beings involved. The Jewish staff at the center of this are merely pawns in a larger, uglier game of power. For the Trump administration, they are a convenient political football to be tossed around to prove how 'tough' they are on campus radicals. For UPenn, they are a convenient moral high ground to occupy so they don't have to show their ledger to the public. It is a symbiotic relationship of utter cynicism.

Consider the irony: the government is suing to get this information, using the power of the state to compel a private institution to hand over ethnic and religious data, all while claiming to be the defenders of those very people. Meanwhile, the university—an institution that thrives on cataloging every aspect of its students' and employees' identities for 'diversity metrics'—is suddenly shy about sharing those very same identities. It’s a circle of hypocrisy so perfect it could be used as a geometry textbook. The Right wants a registry to 'protect' you; the Left wants a registry to 'represent' you; and in the end, you’re just a name on a list for someone else to exploit.

We are living in a time where the two dominant forces in society are a sledgehammer and a mirror. The government is the sledgehammer, swinging wildly at everything it doesn't understand, and the elite university is the mirror, constantly admiring its own reflected virtue while the house burns down around it. There is no hero in this story. There is only a federal government that has forgotten what freedom looks like and an educational institution that has forgotten what accountability feels like. They deserve each other. They deserve the endless litigation, the screeching headlines, and the mutual destruction of their remaining credibility. The rest of us, meanwhile, are left to watch this clown car crash into a dumpster fire, wondering when the grown-ups might finally return to the room. Spoilers: they aren't coming back. They've been replaced by people who think a subpoena is a substitute for a soul.