TEHRAN—In what state media is describing as a 'radical departure from the norm' designed to catch the Iranian populace off guard, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced Monday that he would respond to the latest wave of nationwide protests by employing a surprising new tactic: ruthless, uncompromising repression.

'I know people expect me to be stuck in my ways, so I really wanted to shock the world by deploying the exact same paramilitary beatings and mass arrests I used in 1999, 2009, 2017, and 2019,' said the 85-year-old cleric, explaining that while he briefly considered the concept of 'listening to the grievances of the people,' he ultimately decided that the 'retro appeal' of crushing dissent with an iron fist was simply too good to pass up.

'They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, but I’ve found that if you do the same thing over and over with enough tear gas, the result is actually pretty consistent: I stay in charge. Why reinvent the wheel when the wheel is already so good at running people over?'

At press time, Khamenei was reportedly seen shaking his head at a suggestion box before ordering the Revolutionary Guard to shoot it.