Breaking News: Reality is crumbling

The Daily Absurdity

Unfiltered. Unverified. Unbelievable.

Home/Americas

The FBI’s Linguistic Acrobatics: When 'Abandoning' an Investigation Definitely Doesn't Mean 'Shutting It Down'

Buck Valor
Written by
Buck ValorPersiflating Non-Journalist
Tuesday, January 20, 2026
Share this story
A dark, satirical illustration of a massive, dusty filing cabinet labeled 'Civil Rights Investigations.' An FBI agent is seen pushing a folder into a shredder that is disguised as an 'Inbox.' The background shows a blindfolded lady justice holding scales that are weighted down with gold bars and badges, set in a dimly lit, gothic federal office.

The FBI, that grand, mahogany-paneled cathedral of surveillance and choreographed incompetence, has emerged from its shadows to perform a bit of high-stakes semantic gymnastics. According to their latest dispatch, they haven’t actually 'shut down' the civil rights investigation into Jonathan Ross, the ICE agent who gunned down Renee Good. No, perish the thought. Shutting something down implies an ending, a definitive act of closure that requires effort and a paper trail. Instead, the Bureau prefers a more passive form of institutional decay—a state of permanent, non-functioning stasis where accountability goes to die of old age and neglect.

The facts of the case are, in any rational world, a screaming siren of institutional rot. The Department of Justice’s own initial review—conducted back when someone in the building still possessed a shred of a conscience—found 'sufficient grounds' to investigate the killing. In the dry, bloodless language of the federal government, 'sufficient grounds' is as close as you get to a neon sign flashing 'Something Terrible Happened Here.' Yet, as quickly as the gears of justice began to grind, they seized up. The investigation was reportedly abandoned faster than a politician’s campaign promise on inauguration day. But the FBI, ever sensitive to the optics of their own uselessness, insists that the investigation remains in some sort of quantum state—neither open nor closed, but existing in a vacuum of bureaucratic indifference.

On the Right, we have the reflexive, Pavlovian defense of the badge. To the MAGA-hat-wearing crowd, Jonathan Ross is likely seen as a hero of the frontier, a man whose government-issued windbreaker confers a divine right to exercise lethal force without the pesky interference of 'civil rights.' For these people, the idea of investigating an ICE agent for shooting an American citizen is a liberal conspiracy to weaken the border, because apparently, the only way to keep a country safe is to allow the state's enforcers to act with the impunity of an 18th-century warlord. They fetishize the 'thin blue line' until it becomes a noose, comfortable in their delusion that the machinery of the state will only ever be turned against 'the right people.'

Meanwhile, on the Left, we are treated to the usual performative theater of outrage. The activist class will tweet their hashtags, hold their candlelight vigils, and demand 'justice' from the very institutions they simultaneously claim are irredeemably systemic and racist. It is a spectacular dance of hypocrisy. They scream to 'defund' the agencies while begging those same agencies to please, pretty please, investigate themselves. It’s like asking a wolf to conduct a forensic audit of the henhouse and being shocked when the final report is just a series of grease-stained paw prints. They want the aesthetic of revolution without the inconvenience of actually dismantling the systems that allow agents like Ross to vanish into the protective embrace of the federal bureaucracy.

The real tragedy, of course, isn't just the killing of Renee Good; it’s the revelation that 'Civil Rights' in this country is a departmental hobby rather than a legal mandate. The FBI’s denial of the 'shutdown' is a masterclass in gaslighting. It’s the institutional equivalent of leaving a car on blocks in the front yard and telling the neighbors you’re 'still working on it.' By refusing to officially close the case, they avoid the finality that would trigger public records requests or further scrutiny. They keep it in a state of perpetual 'ongoing' status, a black hole where information enters but light never escapes.

We live in a reality where the Department of Justice treats 'Justice' as an optional feature, much like a sunroof on a mid-sized sedan. They found grounds for a probe, they saw the evidence, and then they collectively decided that the paperwork was simply too heavy to lift. The FBI’s semantic games are meant to distract from the obvious truth: that the state protects its own. Whether it’s an ICE agent or a high-ranking politician, the rules are written in disappearing ink. The Bureau’s insistence that the investigation isn’t 'shut down' is a cynical joke played on a public that has been conditioned to accept incompetence as a form of governance.

In the end, Renee Good is a data point that has become inconvenient for the narrative of federal professionalism. The FBI will continue to 'not shut down' the case for as long as it takes for the public to find a new tragedy to get angry about. They know that our collective attention span is shorter than a gnat’s, and they are willing to wait us out. They aren't investigating a crime; they are managing a PR problem. And in that endeavor, and that endeavor alone, they are truly world-class. It is a depressing, circular farce where the only winners are the bureaucrats who get to keep their pensions and the agents who get to keep their guns, while the rest of us are left to wonder why we ever expected anything resembling truth from an agency founded by J. Edgar Hoover.

This story is an interpreted work of social commentary based on real events. Source: The Independent

Distribute the Absurdity

Enjoying the Apocalypse?

Journalism is dead, but our server costs are very much alive. Throw a coin to your local cynic to keep the lights on while we watch the world burn.

Tax Deductible? Probably Not.

Comments (0)

Loading comments...