Welcome to the latest chapter of humanity’s favorite game: 'Let’s Fight Over Things That Are Currently Disappearing.' This week’s subject is Greenland, a gargantuan slab of ice and existential dread that has suddenly become the prom queen of the Arctic. Why? Because the world’s 'strategic thinkers'—a term I use with the same sincerity one uses to describe a toddler with a loaded handgun—have decided that this 836,000-square-mile ice cube is the key to global dominance. Seven maps are currently circulating in the prestige press, supposedly explaining why we should care. In reality, these maps serve only to illustrate the profound hollowness of our collective intelligence.

Let’s start with the most obvious catalyst for this renewed obsession: Donald Trump’s 2019 fever dream of purchasing the island like it was a struggling golf course in New Jersey. To the pearl-clutching liberals who found the suggestion 'appalling' and 'absurd,' I have some bad news: Trump wasn’t being insane; he was just being honest. He stripped away the thin veneer of diplomatic 'strategic partnership' to reveal the raw, naked greed that drives all international relations. He didn't see a nation or an ecosystem; he saw a fixer-upper with potential mineral rights and a decent view of the North Pole. The outrage from the Danish government was equally performative. Copenhagen’s indignant cries of 'it’s not for sale' were less about sovereignty and more about the anxiety of a landlord realizing their most valuable asset is being eyed by a more aggressive property developer.

The maps tell a story of 'strategic positioning,' a phrase that makes war-mongers feel like they’re playing a very sophisticated game of Risk rather than gambling with the lives of billions. They point to the Thule Air Base and the GIUK gap—the Greenland, Iceland, and United Kingdom waterway—as if these are vital squares on a chessboard. The US military-industrial complex is salivating over the prospect of counteracting Russian and Chinese influence in the region. It’s the same old Cold War script, just with more frostbite. We are witnessing a scramble for the Arctic that mirrors the 19th-century scramble for Africa, only this time the participants are wearing parkas and have much better surveillance technology.

Then we have the 'economic potential.' This is where the hypocrisy reaches a fever pitch. The world is supposedly pivoting to green energy to save us from the climate catastrophe that is, irony of ironies, currently melting Greenland’s ice sheet. But to build those wind turbines and electric car batteries, we need rare earth minerals: neodymium, praseodymium, dysprosium—elements that sound like they belong in a failed science fiction novel. Greenland is sitting on a mountain of them. So, the plan is to wait for the ice to melt—ice that is melting because of our carbon addiction—so we can strip-mine the land for materials to build 'clean' technology. It is a feedback loop of stupidity so perfect it borders on the divine. We are destroying the environment to extract the tools to save the environment. If humanity were an animal, we would be a dog trying to eat its own tail to prevent it from wagging.

The Left screams about the rights of the indigenous Greenlandic people, as if they actually care about anything beyond their own sense of moral superiority. The Right screams about 'national security' and 'energy independence,' which is just code for 'making sure our donors own the mining rights.' Neither side has any interest in the reality that Greenland is a harbinger of our own extinction. The island is shedding billions of tons of ice every year, contributing to sea-level rises that will eventually turn Wall Street and Mar-a-Lago into underwater attractions. Yet, the maps don't show the rising tides; they show where we can plant flags and dig holes.

Ultimately, the obsession with Greenland is a testament to the fact that we have learned nothing. We treat the planet as a collection of assets to be traded, secured, and exploited until there is nothing left but the screaming wind. Whether it’s Trump wanting to slap a gold sign on a glacier or the EU trying to secure 'strategic autonomy' through Arctic minerals, the motive is the same: survival through consumption. We are fighting over who gets to hold the shovel as we dig our own collective grave in the permafrost. These seven maps don't show the path to a strategic future; they are a blueprint for a funeral. And as the ice continues to thin, the only thing that remains solid is the impenetrable, arctic-thick stupidity of the human race.