In a move that surprises absolutely no one who has been paying attention to the decaying orbit of British relevance, Prince William is packing his bags for a state-sanctioned jaunt to Saudi Arabia. This is not a vacation, mind you. This is 'diplomacy,' a term we use when we want to dress up the act of begging for investment in the finery of royal tradition. At the behest of Keir Starmer—a man whose transition from human rights lawyer to a high-end corporate concierge for the British state is now complete—the Prince of Wales will traverse the desert to celebrate nearly a century of mutual convenience. It is a spectacle of the highest order: the heir to a crumbling constitutional monarchy shaking hands with the heirs of a very much functioning absolute one.

Let us dissect the players in this tragicomedy. First, we have Keir Starmer. The Labour Prime Minister, having spent his early career championing the rule of law, has quickly realized that the 'law' is significantly more flexible when it involves the flow of Saudi capital into a stagnant UK economy. By deploying William, Starmer is utilizing the ultimate soft-power sedative. There is something deeply cynical about using a hereditary prince to grease the wheels of trade with a regime that operates on principles that would make a Tudor monarch blush. It is a perfect synthesis of modern neoliberal desperation and medieval optics. Starmer knows that while he might be criticized for his policy shifts, a royal visit provides a convenient distraction—a shiny, gold-plated object to wave in front of the public while the actual business of arms deals and oil security is conducted in the shadows.

Then there is Prince William himself, the man destined to one day wear a heavy hat and look somber at cenotaphs. His role here is that of the gilded mannequin. He is being sent to project 'British values,' a concept so nebulous and elastic that it can apparently encompass both the Magna Carta and a cozy chat with a government that views dissent as a theological error. One must admire the sheer, unadulterated gall required to maintain a straight face while discussing 'global cooperation' in a palace built on the very things the West claims to despise. William’s presence is a reminder that the monarchy's primary function in the 21st century is to act as a highly expensive brand ambassador for a country that has run out of actual products to sell.

And what of the Saudis? They must look upon this visit with a mixture of amusement and pity. They understand the game better than anyone. They know that the UK is approaching the 2027 centenary of their diplomatic relations not from a position of strength, but from the position of a landlord who has realized the tenants have all moved out and the roof is leaking. To the House of Saud, the British Royals are a quaint historical curiosity—a vision of what they might become if they ever allowed a parliament to exist. They will host William with the kind of staggering, oil-funded opulence that makes the British Civil List look like a rounding error, all while knowing that the UK’s moral posturing is entirely contingent on the price of Brent Crude.

There is a delicious, acid-soaked irony in William, the patron of the Earthshot Prize, traveling to the world’s foremost petro-state. One wonders if he will discuss carbon footprints while sitting in a gold-leafed hall cooled by massive air conditioning units powered by the very fuel he tells the plebeians to stop using. The cognitive dissonance is not just a side effect of this trip; it is the entire point. We are living in an era where the elite no longer feel the need to hide their hypocrisy. They simply perform it on a global stage and wait for the press releases to be transcribed by compliant news cycles.

The 'century of relations' mentioned by Kensington Palace is, in reality, a century of the UK pretending not to see what goes on behind the curtain in Riyadh, provided the checks clear. It is a relationship built on the firm foundation of 'don't ask, don't tell, and please buy our fighter jets.' Starmer’s request for this visit is a formal admission that the UK’s foreign policy is nothing more than a series of transactional shrugs. We have abandoned the pretense of being a moral compass for the world and have instead settled for being its most polite solicitor.

In the end, nothing will change. William will return with a set of commemorative photos and perhaps a very expensive watch. Starmer will claim a victory for 'Global Britain'—a phrase that grows more pathetic with every repetition. The Saudi regime will continue its consolidation of power, secure in the knowledge that even the future King of England is willing to play the role of a high-end delivery boy if the price is right. It is a hollow victory for a hollowed-out nation, a masterclass in the art of the grovel, dressed up as a historic milestone. Humanity remains, as always, a collection of grifters and the fools who applaud them.