It has come to this. We have finally exhausted the thrills of subverting banana republics and turning the Middle East into a glass-bottomed parking lot, and so the collective American id has turned its glazed, predatory eyes toward Greenland. According to the self-appointed wizards of the legal world—those 'experts' who spend their lives debating how many angels can dance on the head of a subpoena—a US military action against Denmark’s icy backyard would trigger a 'constitutional crisis.' Oh, joy. Another one. Put it on the pile next to the looming climate collapse and the fact that we still haven't figured out how to make a home printer that actually works.

The premise, stripped of its academic finery, is that the executive branch might decide to simply annex a massive chunk of the Arctic because, well, why not? It’s not like we’re using the laws we currently have for anything other than decorative purposes. These legal scholars are clutching their pearls over the War Powers Act and the non-delegation doctrine as if they were holy relics rather than the frayed, moth-eaten suggestions they have become in the hands of the modern administrative state. The idea that a piece of 18th-century parchment—written by men who thought bleeding people with leeches was cutting-edge medicine—could stop a superpower from snatching a giant ice cube is the height of academic delusion.

Let’s look at the players in this theater of the absurd. On one side, we have the Right, whose understanding of Greenland is likely limited to a vague notion that it contains 'stuff we can burn.' They see a map and think of it as a grocery list. To them, sovereignty is a quaint European hobby, like making artisanal cheese or having a functional healthcare system. They view the potential invasion as a 'strategic necessity,' a phrase that usually translates to 'we want the minerals to build more toys that will eventually kill us.' Their greed is so transparent it’s almost refreshing; at least they don't pretend to care about the polar bears they’re about to displace with a naval base.

On the other side, we have the Left, currently vibrating with performative outrage. They will cite international law with the fervor of a high school debate captain, ignoring the fact that 'international law' is essentially a collection of polite requests that everyone ignores the moment a cruise missile enters the chat. Their concern isn't for the Greenlandic people or the sanctity of Danish borders; it’s for the opportunity to look morally superior while doing absolutely nothing of substance. They’ll tweet hashtags and hold candlelight vigils for 'Arctic Autonomy' while continuing to buy the very electronics that require the rare-earth minerals Greenland is hiding under its melting permafrost. It is a symphony of hypocrisy played on a flute made of stolen ivory.

And then there is Denmark. Poor, sensible, boring Denmark. They are the landlord who forgot to lock the door, suddenly realizing their tenant—a caffeine-addicted hegemon with a God complex—wants to knock down the walls to build a tanning salon. The 'experts' warn that an invasion would violate the North Atlantic Treaty. No kidding. But treaties are only as strong as the willingness of the signatories to actually do something, and let’s be honest: no one is going to start World War III over a landmass that is 80% uninhabitable slush. The constitutional crisis isn't about the law; it's about the final realization that the law is a ghost.

We are witnessing the terminal stage of imperial boredom. When a nation has everything but its soul, it starts looking for real estate. The legal scholars can write their white papers and their op-eds until the ink runs dry, but they are practicing constitutional necrophilia—trying to find signs of life in a body that stopped breathing decades ago. The crisis isn't that we might invade Greenland; the crisis is that we live in a reality where such a suggestion is treated as a viable policy debate rather than the fever dream of a collapsing civilization.

So, by all means, let’s have the crisis. Let’s watch the pundits argue about 'territorial integrity' while the glaciers melt into the rising tide of our own collective stupidity. Greenland will eventually be free of ice, and we will be free of the illusion that we are governed by anything other than the whims of the loudest, most entitled idiots in the room. In the end, we’ll get the minerals, the lawyers will get their billable hours, and the rest of us will get to watch the world end in high definition. It’s exactly what we deserve.