GUATEMALA CITY—Rubbing his temples after receiving news that uprisings in three separate penitentiaries had claimed the lives of 10 police officers, Guatemalan President Bernardo Arévalo reportedly sighed heavily Tuesday and scribbled “stop armed insurrections” onto the very bottom of his administration’s already insurmountable agenda. “I really thought we were going to focus on judicial bribery this week, but I guess I have to pencil in ‘reclaiming sovereign territory from warlords’ between lunch and my meeting with the agriculture minister,” said Arévalo, looking wistfully at a campaign poster where he promised to fight corruption, noting that he hadn't realized that would involve literal siege warfare on day one. “I was hoping to ease into the organized crime stuff, maybe start with some light tax fraud investigations. But sure, let’s go straight to full-scale tactical combat inside the facilities designed to hold the criminals. That seems like a great use of my Tuesday.” At press time, Arévalo was seen googling “how to ask gangs to please chill” before closing his laptop and staring blankly out the window.