I woke up this morning hoping, as I usually do, that a freak solar flare had wiped out all telecommunications infrastructure during the night, forcing humanity back into a blessed, silent dark age. Alas, the internet still works, which means I was immediately assaulted by the latest episode of our collective reality show nightmare: The United States President wants to buy Greenland again, and the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom has summoned all the ferocity of a damp napkin to oppose him.

Let’s unpack this dumpster fire of geopolitical idiocy, shall we?

Donald Trump, a man whose understanding of international diplomacy is seemingly derived from playing Monopoly with cheat codes, has decided that the United States is simply not big enough. He requires an extension. He wants the attic. Specifically, he wants Greenland. Why? Who knows. Maybe he wants to rebrand it “TRUMP ICE.” Maybe he thinks if he owns it, he can legally forbid it from melting. Maybe he just likes the idea of owning a landmass that is visually represented on maps as a giant white void, much like his own moral compass.

But simply asking to buy a semi-autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark isn’t enough for the erratic orange id of the Western world. No, he has to go full mob boss. He has threatened a 10% tariff on allies—specifically targeting the UK and Europe—until the Danes sign the deed over. It is the geopolitical equivalent of a toddler screaming in a supermarket aisle and holding his breath until his mother buys him the candy bar. Except in this analogy, the toddler has nuclear codes and the ability to crash the global economy before lunch.

Enter Keir Starmer, the UK Prime Minister and a man so devoid of charisma that he makes a glass of room-temperature water look like a drag queen on poppers. Faced with the prospect of the British economy being knee-capped because America’s CEO wants to buy a continent-sized freezer, Starmer stood up and roared. Well, he didn’t roar. He didn’t even shout. He adjusted his spectacles, checked his polling data, and declared the tariff threat to be “completely wrong.”

“Completely wrong.” searing stuff, Keir. Truly. I’m sure the walls of the Oval Office are shaking. I’m sure Trump heard that mild rebuke and immediately fell to his knees in repentance. Starmer’s response is the verbal equivalent of a substitute teacher quietly asking the class arsonist to please stop lighting the curtains on fire. It is performative competence from a man who seemingly believes that if he just follows the rulebook hard enough, the chaotic universe will align itself into a neat spreadsheet.

This is the binary choice we are stuck with in the modern era, folks. On the Right, we have greedy, delusional solipsism that treats sovereign nations like distressed assets in a bankruptcy auction. On the Left (or whatever beige centrist purgatory Starmer occupies), we have ineffective, procedural whining that assumes norms still matter.

Let’s look at the sheer mechanics of this stupidity. Trump is threatening to tax British goods—punishing British citizens—because Denmark won’t sell him a rock. It’s triangular logic that would baffle a geometrician. It’s not even a transaction; it’s a hostage situation. “Give me the glacier, or the British economy gets it!” Somewhere in Copenhagen, Mette Frederiksen must be staring into a bottle of Akvavit, wondering what sin her ancestors committed to deserve this timeline.

I reached out to a fictional source inside the White House—let’s call him ‘John Barron’—who told me, “Look, the President loves deals. Greenland is huge. It’s yuge. And frankly, the Danes aren’t doing anything with it. No golf courses. No casinos. Just snow and scientists looking at ice cores. Sad! We’re going to put a gold tower right on the ice sheet. It’ll be tremendous until it sinks.”

Meanwhile, sources close to Starmer (who requested anonymity because they didn’t want to be associated with being boring) surely confirmed that the Prime Minister plans to form a committee to draft a white paper on the potential wrongness of the wrong thing Trump did. That’ll show him.

The tragedy is that we are all forced to treat this as serious news. We have to discuss the economic implications of a 10% levy. We have to analyze the 'special relationship' between the UK and the US. We have to pretend that this isn't the fever dream of a madman colliding with the inertia of a bureaucrat.

If Trump wants to buy things, why stop at Greenland? Why not buy the moon? Or perhaps he could put a bid in for the concept of 'Ennui,' which I currently possess in surplus. I’d sell it to him for a dollar, just to make this all stop. But he won’t stop. And Starmer won’t stop being useless. And I won’t stop drinking until the heat death of the universe finally liberates us from these clowns.

In the end, Trump’s tariff threat isn't just "completely wrong," Keir. It’s completely indicative of a species that has outlived its expiration date. Now, if you'll excuse me, I’m going to go yell at a map.