MOSCOW—Beaming with pride over the logistical triumph of their latest winter outreach program, Kremlin officials announced Monday the overwhelming success of their “No Child Left Warm” initiative, designed to grant millions of Ukrainian students an indefinite, shivering snow day.

“We looked at the weather forecast, saw temperatures plunging well below freezing, and realized we had a unique opportunity to ensure no student in Kyiv has to endure the drudgery of algebra by removing the distractions of light, heat, and structural integrity from their schools,” said Russian Defense Ministry spokesman Igor Konashenkov, noting that high-precision long-range missiles were deployed specifically to “liberate” the power grid from the burden of functioning.

“While Western media calls this a ‘campaign of terror,’ we prefer to think of it as a mandatory recess. Thanks to our strategic dismantling of critical infrastructure, children are now free to focus on extracurricular activities, such as huddled mass shivering, seeing their own breath indoors, and learning to navigate their living rooms by the light of a single, dying candle. You’re welcome, kids.”

At press time, the Kremlin was reportedly planning a follow-up morale booster involving a “special fireworks operation” directly aimed at Kyiv’s remaining water treatment facilities.