Welcome back to the end of history, which apparently looks less like a triumphant march toward liberal democracy and more like a mob-run real estate auction. On January 17, Washington decided to stop pretending that diplomacy is anything other than a thin veneer for high-stakes extortion. By threatening punitive tariffs of 10% to 25% on eight European allies unless they facilitate the “complete and total purchase” of Greenland, the United States has officially retired the 'Leader of the Free World' costume and replaced it with the moth-eaten regalia of a 19th-century imperial rent-seeker. It is as if the collective American consciousness finally got bored with the complex theater of international relations and decided to return to its roots: manifest destiny, but with more spreadsheets and fewer horses.

The sheer, unadulterated gall of this move is almost admirable in its stupidity. For decades, the sclerotic architects of the post-1945 transatlantic order have been huffing the fumes of their own self-importance, convinced that the 'rules-based order' was something more than a gentleman’s agreement between thieves. Now, that order is receiving its final rites, administered not by a foreign invader, but by the very guarantor that claimed to protect it. By linking territorial sovereignty to trade access, Washington is essentially telling its European 'allies' that their borders are merely suggestions—placeholders on a map that can be erased if the price of steel or the ego of a real estate mogul demands it. It is the ultimate 'Art of the Deal,' if that deal was written in crayon on the back of a subpoena.

Let’s look at the Europeans, shall we? Those bastions of enlightened governance are currently clutching their collective pearls, horrified that the American mask has slipped. They have spent the last half-century enjoying the luxury of moral superiority while hiding under the American security umbrella, a dynamic that required them to ignore the blatant imperialism that has always powered the engine of their protector. Now that the umbrella has been turned into a club and is being used to bash them over the head, they find themselves shocked—shocked!—that raw power remains the only currency that actually matters in the global bazaar. They are currently scrambling to find a defense against a 21st-century Berlin Conference, oblivious to the fact that they are no longer the ones holding the pens. They are the ones being carved up for dinner.

Even the intellectual class, represented by the likes of Christopher S. Chivvis and the Carnegie Endowment crowd, seems genuinely surprised that we’ve regressed to 1884. They speak of 'moments of profound rupture' as if the history of the West hasn't been one continuous, bloody rupture since the first galley hit the Mediterranean. They contrast this with China’s 'revanchist' language, as if there is a moral distinction between 'reclaiming' land and simply demanding to buy it under threat of economic ruin. The only difference is the branding. Washington has simply decided to stop using the flowery language of 'strategic partnerships' and 'shared values' because, frankly, the audience is too dim-witted to appreciate the subtext anyway. Why bother with the subtext when the text is 'Give us your island or we bankrupt your auto industry'?

This is the logical conclusion of a world run by grifters and populated by marks. The Right views the planet as a series of assets to be leveraged, a giant Monopoly board where the goal is to hoard as much blue-colored property as possible before the inevitable bankruptcy. The Left, meanwhile, is stuck in a performative loop of outrage, weeping over the loss of 'norms' that were only ever used to oppress people with slightly less efficient PR departments. Neither side has the intellectual honesty to admit that the 'transatlantic order' was always a corporate merger masquerading as a crusade for freedom. Greenland is just the latest subsidiary being targeted for a hostile takeover.

Ultimately, this isn't just about a giant ice cube in the North Atlantic. It’s about the final collapse of the delusion that humanity had somehow evolved past its base instincts. We are right back where we started: a group of heavily armed toddlers fighting over blocks in a sandbox, with the most aggressive toddler currently threatening to break everyone else’s toys unless he gets the biggest block. It’s pathetic, it’s predictable, and it’s perfectly fitting for a species that still hasn't figured out that you can't eat a GDP or live in a tariff. If this is the 'death knell' of the old order, then let it ring. At least the noise might drown out the sound of our collective, terminal boredom.