Oh look, another Swedish-badged, Chinese-funded rolling smartphone has emerged from the mist to save us from the impending climate apocalypse. Behold the Volvo EX60, the latest electrified offering from a brand that has successfully commodified middle-class anxiety for decades. The announcement of this vehicle is not so much a news event as it is a diagnostic report on the terminal state of the global automotive industry. Here we have yet another 'computer-packed' SUV, because apparently, what the modern driver really needs is a four-ton laptop that can travel from zero to sixty in five seconds before getting stuck behind a garbage truck in a soul-crushing suburban cul-de-sac.

There is a particular brand of Scandinavian smugness that only Volvo can truly master—a blend of safety-first moralizing and minimalist interior design that screams 'I have a therapist and a moderately successful podcast.' The brand, now safely ensconced under the umbrella of Geely, likes to play up its Nordic roots, but the EX60 is a globalist Frankenstein. It is designed to take on the BMW iX3, a rivalry that feels less like a clash of titans and more like two luxury cruise ships arguing over which one has the more expensive deck chairs while they both head straight for an iceberg. The specs of the EX60 are, predictably, 'impressive' in the way that all modern EV specs are impressive until you actually try to use them in a world where the charging infrastructure has the reliability of a gas station sushi platter.

But let us address the elephant in the room—or rather, the nylon strap across it. The press is apparently breathless over a new seat belt. A seat belt. In the year of our lord 2024, we are being asked to find innovation in the very thing that has been keeping us from flying through windshields since the Eisenhower administration. This is the ultimate distillation of the Volvo ethos: the obsession with safety as a substitute for soul. It is the perfect metaphor for our current existence—strapped into an expensive, battery-powered cage, told we are being 'progressive' while we sit perfectly still in traffic, comforted by the knowledge that if we do crash, the car will record our demise in high-definition 4K.

The 'computer-packed' nature of the EX60 is perhaps its most offensive trait. We are living in an era where cars are no longer machines; they are data-harvesting portals on wheels. The EX60 isn’t a vehicle you drive; it’s a subscription service you inhabit. It will monitor your blinking, analyze your braking habits, and likely report your penchant for fast food to your health insurance provider before you’ve even reached the drive-thru. This is the 'future' the technocrats promised us—a world where the joy of the open road is replaced by software updates that brick your vehicle because of a minor glitch in the ambient lighting array. The interior will likely be a barren wasteland of touchscreens, stripped of tactile buttons because they are 'inefficient,' or more accurately, because it’s cheaper to hide every basic function behind three layers of a buggy menu.

The hypocrisy of the EV revolution remains the most delicious part of this miserable sandwich. The Left hails the EX60 as a victory for the planet, conveniently ignoring the scarring of the earth required to pull the cobalt and lithium for its massive battery pack out of the ground. They want the 'green' credit without the dirty hands. Meanwhile, the Right will decry this vehicle as a 'woke' assault on the internal combustion engine, ignoring the fact that their beloved corporate masters are the ones pivoting to these high-margin battery boxes because they are easier to build and harder for the average person to repair. Both sides are idiots, screaming at each other about 'freedom' or 'sustainability' while the corporate machine simply changes the fuel source and hikes the price tag.

At whatever exorbitant sum they eventually settle on—likely enough to feed a small nation or pay off a liberal arts degree—the EX60 is a status symbol for the terrified. It is for the person who wants to feel like they are saving the world without actually changing their lifestyle. It is for the person who wants the 'prestige' of a European badge while driving a product of Chinese manufacturing efficiency. It is a vehicle for a world that has given up on passion and settled for 'range' and 'connectivity.'

In the end, the EX60 is exactly what we deserve. We are a species that finds a new seat belt 'exciting' because our lives have become so utterly devoid of genuine novelty that we mistake a slightly different weave of polyester for a breakthrough in human civilization. Drive it, don't drive it—it makes no difference. You’ll still be the same person, just slightly more broke and significantly more monitored, sitting in a leather-trimmed vacuum, waiting for the battery to die or the world to end. Whichever comes first. This isn't progress; it's just a prettier way to go nowhere.