COPENHAGEN—Following President Trump’s sudden interest in acquiring Greenland, the entire nation of Denmark has been thrown into a state of panic, with citizens frantically attempting to tank their country’s property value before the U.S. makes a formal cash offer.

Sources confirm that Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen has issued a desperate executive order commanding all Danes to park strictly on their front lawns, scatter rusted car parts across the Nyhavn harbor, and loudly play Kid Rock albums from their balconies in hopes of driving down the nation's curb appeal.

'We thought we were a sovereign nation, but apparently, we are just a distressed asset in a distressed neighborhood,' said a bewildered Frederiksen, who was spotted personally pouring a bucket of bleach into the canals of Copenhagen. 'We feel completely betrayed. We thought the U.S. was our ally, but now realize they’re just looking for a fixer-upper with good bones to flip for a profit. We are currently trying to make the country look like a foreclosure that smells of cat urine so he loses interest and buys Iceland instead.'

At press time, the Danish government had officially listed the entire country on Zillow as a 'teardown' with a severe black mold problem and a haunted basement.