There is a specific, refined brand of financial masochism that can only be cultivated in the climate-controlled, fluorescent-lit purgatory of the modern office. Just when you thought the 'grindset' had reached its terminal velocity, a new wave of financial wisdom suggests that you, the humble spreadsheet-jockey, should double down on your own exploitation. The latest trend in pecuniary suicide? Purchasing shares in your own employer. It is a suggestion so fundamentally absurd that it requires a special kind of intellectual lobotomy to consider, yet here we are, watching the high priests of capital preach the gospel of 'skin in the game' to a congregation of people who can barely afford the skin they’re currently in.

For decades, the solitary gold standard of financial advice was diversification. Do not put all your eggs in one basket, they said, especially if that basket is being carried by a CEO who spends more on private aviation than you will earn in three lifetimes. But standard financial theory is far too logical for our current era of performative idiocy. The new logic dictates that if your livelihood is already tethered to a corporate entity that views your healthcare plan as a rounding error, you should probably tether your retirement savings to it as well. It’s not just a conflict of interest; it’s a suicide pact masquerading as an investment strategy.

From a purely mechanical standpoint, buying your employer’s shares is a rejection of basic survival instinct. If the company hits an iceberg, you lose your salary and your savings in one glorious, synchronized plunge into the icy depths of the unemployment line. It is the ultimate expression of corporate feudalism. In the Middle Ages, the serf lived on the lord’s land and ate the lord’s grain; in the twenty-first century, the modern serf processes the lord’s data and then buys back the lord’s equity with the meager pittance they were paid for the privilege. It is a closed loop of exploitation that would make a Victorian mill owner weep with envy.

The political landscape, of course, offers no refuge from this stupidity. On the Right, this trend is hailed as the 'ownership society' in action. They’ll tell you that owning 0.000004% of a multinational conglomerate turns you into a mini-capitalist, ignoring the fact that your 'ownership' grants you exactly zero power over the board of directors who would replace you with a moderately proficient AI if it saved them three cents per share. To the Right, this is 'personal responsibility,' which is their favorite euphemism for 'you’re on your own when the stock price craters.'

The Left is no better, often flirting with this nonsense under the guise of 'worker empowerment' or some watered-down fantasy of seizing the means of production. They imagine a world where every employee is a stakeholder, blissfully unaware that a stake is also something you use to pin a corpse to the ground. They mistake a stock option for agency. They fail to see that when a worker buys shares, they aren’t gaining power; they are simply providing the company with a source of low-cost capital and a workforce that is too terrified of a market dip to ever consider a strike. It’s not a revolution; it’s a hostage situation where the hostages are paying for the rope.

The psychological manipulation involved here is truly a work of art. By encouraging you to buy shares, the company is effectively outsourcing its risk to your anxiety. They want you to care about the quarterly earnings report as much as the executive vice president does, but without the golden parachute that ensures he’ll land in a pile of cash regardless of the outcome. They want you to feel 'alignment,' which is corporate-speak for 'if we fail, you starve.' It is a brilliant way to ensure loyalty without having to actually provide things like job security or a living wage. Why give someone a raise when you can give them the opportunity to gamble their existing salary on the company’s ability to manipulate its own stock price?

We are living in a time where the line between employment and indentured servitude has been blurred by the shiny veneer of a brokerage app. The advice to buy your employer’s shares is the final admission that the corporate world no longer sees you as a human being with a life outside of work, but as a resource to be harvested twice: once for your labor, and once for your capital. It is a recursive nightmare. If you follow this advice, you aren’t just an employee; you are a fanboy of your own subjugation. You are the man who, seeing the Titanic tilting toward the stars, decides that now is the perfect time to buy a few shares in the White Star Line. It is pathetic, it is irrational, and in today's economy, it is exactly what they expect of you. Welcome to the future; try not to choke on the equity.