GAZA—In a decisive move to uphold regional security and streamline bureaucratic efficiency, Israeli officials ordered the immediate closure of several Doctors Without Borders (MSF) clinics Monday after the aid group failed to comply with new operational guidelines requiring all medical staff to officially recategorize third-degree burns as “unfortunate tan lines.”

According to IDF spokespersons, the shutdown was a “regrettable but necessary” measure taken after the humanitarian organization refused to hand over the GPS coordinates, dietary restrictions, and greatest fears of every nurse on staff, as well as a signed affidavit promising to stop treating patients with a “biased, anti-war attitude.”

“We offered these doctors a very reasonable compromise: they can continue administering anesthesia, provided they stop insinuating that the giant holes in the ceiling were caused by airstrikes rather than spontaneous structural failures,” said government liaison Gilad Harel, noting that the clinics had become hotbeds of “radical healing.” “Unfortunately, MSF has chosen to politicize medicine by refusing to disclose which of their pediatricians might be thinking about history in a way we find threatening. Until they agree to the new ‘Speech-Free Sanitation’ protocols, we have no choice but to assume every stethoscope is a listening device.”

At press time, displaced patients expressed confusion over the closures, though officials assured them that a new, government-approved aid group, “Doctors Without Opinions,” would be arriving shortly to distribute thoughts and prayers.