Welcome to the latest episode of ‘Global Hegemony: The Yard Sale Edition,’ where the leader of the free world has decided that the best way to handle international diplomacy is to treat his closest allies like delinquent tenants behind on their rent. Donald Trump has announced a tiered tariff system—10% next month, scaling to a delightful 25% by June—targeting Denmark, the UK, France, Germany, and several other European nations that have committed the cardinal sin of existing in the proximity of Greenland. The catalyst for this latest tantrum? These nations had the audacity to dispatch ‘symbolic’ military units to the frozen wasteland of Greenland for multilateral drills. Apparently, in the current Washington calculus, playing soldier in the snow is an act of economic treason punishable by death-by-import-tax.

Let’s start with the sheer, unadulterated stupidity of the ‘symbolic’ military unit. Only in the performative theater of the 21st century do we find the UK and France sending three guys and a thermos to a glacier to ‘signal commitment.’ Commitment to what, exactly? To the idea that NATO is anything more than a calcified relic of the Cold War held together by scotch tape and the desperate hope that someone else will pay for the ammunition? These drills are the military equivalent of a LinkedIn post—entirely for show, functionally useless, and annoying to everyone forced to witness them. But while the Europeans are busy pretending they still have empires to defend, Trump is busy proving that his only understanding of a treaty is that it’s a contract you haven't figured out how to litigate yet.

The Right, of course, will frame this as ‘America First’ genius, a masterclass in leverage that forces the ‘freeloading’ Europeans to bow to the imperial throne. It’s a comforting fiction for people who think a trade war is something you win, rather than a slow-motion suicide pact that ensures your toaster costs twice as much next year. On the other side of the aisle, the Left will engage in their customary ritual of pearl-clutching and garment-rending, mourning the loss of ‘diplomatic norms’ as if those norms weren't just the polite euphemisms we used while the military-industrial complex vacuumed up the global GDP. They crave the return of a ‘respectable’ consensus—one where we bomb the same people, but do it with better posture and more inclusive press releases.

Trump’s obsession with Greenland remains the most unintentionally hilarious subplot in modern history. It’s a giant ice cube that is melting faster than the Republican Party’s pretense of fiscal conservatism, yet it has become the hill that the transatlantic alliance is apparently willing to die on. By slapping tariffs on NATO allies over a military exercise, Trump is effectively telling the world that the ‘mutual’ in ‘mutual defense’ is strictly conditional on whether or not he’s annoyed by your face this week. It is a protection racket run by a man who thinks the Art of the Deal involves burning the house down because the neighbor’s dog barked too loud.

Consider the targets: Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland. These are the supposed paragons of social democracy, the countries that American liberals point to when they want to pretend that a functioning healthcare system isn't a pipe dream. Now, they find themselves caught in the crosshairs of a tariff war because they dared to show up for a scheduled drill in their own backyard. The Netherlands and Germany, the industrial heartbeats of Europe, are being told that their exports are now subject to the whims of a 10-to-25 percent penalty because they engaged in the very ‘cooperation’ that NATO supposedly mandates. It is a masterclass in incoherence.

Ultimately, this isn't about Greenland, or NATO, or even the drills. It’s about the terminal decline of a species that has forgotten how to do anything except bicker over the scraps of a dying world order. We are watching a group of geriatric states argue over who gets to sit in the front seat of a car that is currently flying off a cliff. The tariffs will happen, the Europeans will issue a ‘sternly worded’ statement that carries the weight of a wet napkin, and the American consumer will foot the bill for the privilege of watching their government act like a petulant landlord. It’s all a grift, and the only losers are the people who still believe any of these actors have a plan beyond surviving the next news cycle. Greenland is cold, but the future of Western diplomacy is looking significantly bleaker.