ABUJA—Calling the allegations a classic case of religious melodrama designed to embarrass the state, Nigerian government officials formally denied reports Tuesday that over 160 people were kidnapped from three separate churches, insisting instead that the congregants merely engaged in a spontaneous, synchronized decision to start new lives in the forest without telling anyone. "It is irresponsible fear-mongering to suggest these people were taken by gunmen when it is far more likely they all realized they left their ovens on at the exact same moment," said security spokesperson Ahmed Musa, visibly annoyed by the hysteria of weeping families presenting photos of their missing loved ones. "We checked the churches, and yes, they are empty, but have you considered that perhaps 160 people simultaneously achieved the Rapture while the security forces were on their lunch break? The government cannot be held responsible for divine intervention or mass dissatisfaction with the choir. Until these so-called 'victims' return to file the proper paperwork proving they were abducted in triplicate, we will treat this as a group hiking trip that got a little out of hand." At press time, officials were advising the remaining citizens to stop screaming for help, noting that the noise was making it very difficult for the police to ignore them.