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U.S. Announces Plan To Just Slide Rest Of ISIS War Onto Assad’s Plate Since He’s Already Up

Buck Valor
Written by
Buck ValorPersiflating Non-Journalist
Tuesday, January 20, 2026
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A photorealistic news image of a bored U.S. diplomat shrugging while handing a heavy cardboard box labeled 'TERRORISM & REGIONAL CHAOS' to a confused-looking Syrian military officer across a conference table.

WASHINGTON—In a strategic pivot described by the State Department as “optimizing regional synergy,” U.S. officials announced Tuesday that they would be shifting responsibility for the fight against ISIS away from Kurdish-led forces and handing it directly to the Syrian government, reasoning that Bashar al-Assad is “already in the neighborhood” and “has a ton of bombs he clearly isn’t afraid to use.”

“Look, we’ve spent years trying to stabilize the region, but then we realized there’s a guy in Damascus who has spent the last decade proving he is absolutely tireless when it comes to leveling Syrian cities,” said U.S. envoy James Jeffrey, noting that Washington was impressed by the Assad regime’s “go-getter attitude” regarding indiscriminate violence. “Why should we keep outsourcing this work to the Kurds when the Syrian government has demonstrated such a high proficiency in turning their own country into a parking lot? We’re confident that once Assad runs out of hospitals and elementary schools to target, he’ll probably get around to the terrorists eventually. It’s just a matter of resource allocation.”

At press time, the State Department confirmed they had sent the Kurdish forces a $15 Starbucks gift card and a 'Best of Luck' Hallmark card to thank them for their years of sacrifice.

This story is an interpreted work of social commentary based on real events. Source: NY Times

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