KAMPALA—In what officials are describing as a display of "aggressive hospitality," the Ugandan military reportedly arrived at the home of opposition leader Bobi Wine on Friday to whisk him away for a surprise, mandatory vacation. Witnesses confirmed that an army helicopter touched down in Mr. Wine’s compound to provide him with an exclusive, door-to-door shuttle service to a premier government facility, bypassing the hassle of standard traffic or judicial due process.

“We simply didn’t want Mr. Wine to stress over the election results, so we treated him to a luxury extraction by a team of heavily armed travel agents,” said military spokesman Gen. David Muhoozi, noting that the soldiers had to physically carry Mr. Wine into the aircraft because he was simply "too overwhelmed with gratitude to walk."

To ensure the surprise wasn’t ruined by online spoilers, President Yoweri Museveni graciously gifted the entire nation a total internet blackout, allowing citizens to enjoy a mindfulness retreat free from the distractions of democracy, information, or human rights reports. At press time, officials noted that Mr. Wine is currently enjoying a “digital detox” in a windowless room, where he will be free to contemplate the results of the election for as long as the incumbent sees fit.