If you ever needed definitive proof that the world is a stage managed by mid-tier accountants for the benefit of loud-mouthed toddlers, look no further than the recent Mar-a-Lago encounter between NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte and the current occupant of the American psyche, Donald Trump. It was a masterclass in the kind of intellectual fraud that makes me wish for a meteor to finally finish the job. We are told, with the straightest of faces by those paid to analyze this nonsense, that a major geopolitical crisis regarding European tariffs was averted because Rutte 'sold' Trump on a package of rights in Greenland that the United States has already possessed for decades. It is the diplomatic equivalent of a used car salesman selling you back your own spare tire and you walking away thinking you’ve just robbed him blind.

Let us deconstruct the sheer, staggering vacuity of this 'deal.' For the uninitiated—which apparently includes the leadership of the free world—the United States has had substantive military and strategic rights in Greenland since at least the 1951 Defense Treaty. We have the Thule Air Base. We have radar installations. We have the kind of footprint that doesn’t require a 'new framework' unless that framework is designed purely to massage the ego of a man who views the globe as a giant Monopoly board he hasn't quite learned the rules to. Rutte, a man whose primary skill appears to be surviving the collapse of his own domestic governments with the slippery grace of a buttered eel, recognized the mark immediately. He didn't offer concessions. He didn't offer trade pivots. He offered a shiny, gift-wrapped version of the status quo and labeled it 'Arctic Security.'

On the Right, the predictable chorus of sycophants will hail this as a triumph of 'America First' brinkmanship. They will claim that the mere threat of tariffs forced the Europeans to bend the knee and hand over the keys to the North Pole. It’s a touching narrative if you have the memory of a goldfish and the analytical depth of a saucer of milk. They are cheering for a man who was distracted from a trade war by a map of land he already controls. It is a stunning indictment of the 'strongman' archetype—that one can be defeated not by logic or force, but by a simple Lack of Information.

Meanwhile, the Left will perform their usual dance of performative outrage, clutching their pearls over the 'erosion of diplomatic norms' and the 'transactional nature' of NATO. They will lament that the sanctity of international alliances is being sullied by such base horse-trading. Please. NATO has always been a transactional protection racket; the only difference now is that the person running the collection plate is too bored to come up with new lies. The Left’s obsession with 'norms' is just a longing for a time when politicians lied to us with better vocabulary. They hate the coarseness of the transaction, not the emptiness of it.

The 'framework of a future deal' is the most delicious phrase in the entire France 24 report. In the lexicon of professional grifters, a 'framework' is what you build when you have absolutely nothing of substance to show for your afternoon. It is the architectural equivalent of a cardboard cutout of a skyscraper. It sounds sturdy, it looks impressive from a distance, but the moment you try to lean on it, you fall directly into the freezing waters of the Arctic. There are no 'substantive concessions' because there don't need to be. When the mark doesn't know what he already owns, the salesperson can sell him the sunset and charge him for the privilege of watching it.

This is the state of our species. We are governed by people who think 'Arctic Security' is a new invention and managed by bureaucrats who treat international law like a game of Three-Card Monte. Rutte likely walked out of that meeting, adjusted his tie, and marveled at the fact that he didn't even have to give up a single Dutch tulip to keep the tariffs at bay. Trump, meanwhile, likely believes he has just expanded the American empire without firing a shot, unaware that he’s just renewed a subscription he was already paying for.

We are watching the heat-death of intelligent governance. The Arctic is melting, the global economy is a house of cards held together by spite, and our leaders are busy playing 'Let’s Pretend' with maps from the 1950s. It would be funny if we weren't all trapped on the same sinking ship with these idiots. But don't worry, I’m sure the 'framework' will be finalized just in time for the next ego-driven catastrophe. Until then, we can all rest easy knowing that our 'existing rights' are safe, provided we’re willing to buy them back every four years from whatever slick-talking European happens to be in the neighborhood.