WASHINGTON—In a stark response to growing demands for fiscal equity, a coalition of leading economic conservationists issued a grave warning Tuesday that increasing tax rates on the ultrarich could have devastating, irreversible effects on the fragile ecosystem of offshore shell companies.

'We are seeing a thriving population of billionaires right now—numbers have absolutely exploded—but that population is incredibly sensitive to changes in their financial climate,' said lead wealth biologist Dr. Richard Sterling, noting that even a fractional increase in the effective tax rate could cause the migratory billionaire to flee their natural nesting grounds in the Cayman Islands. 'Nature has a hierarchy. It is vital that the apex predator pays a lower tax rate than the nurse or the firefighter to maintain the circle of life. If a hedge fund manager were forced to pay the same percentage as his secretary, he might become too stressed to perform essential ecological functions, such as buying a social media platform and driving it into the ground.'

At press time, the group had released a heartbreaking PSA featuring a Sarah McLachlan song playing over slow-motion footage of a CEO being forced to fly commercial.