The Department of Justice, an institution that currently operates with the intellectual consistency of a viral TikTok trend, has decided that the great state of Minnesota is finally worth its taxpayer-funded attention. In what can only be described as a desperate attempt to inject some high-stakes drama into the banal reality of administrative failure, federal subpoenas have been rained down upon Governor Tim Walz, Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey, and Attorney General Keith Ellison. It is the political equivalent of a group chat gone wrong, except everyone involved has the power to ruin your life while claiming to be your savior.

The core of this legal flatulence involves the alleged 'obstruction of a Trump surge.' Let us pause for a moment to admire the sheer linguistic audacity of that phrase. A 'Trump surge' sounds like something that would require a high-end surge protector or perhaps a very strong dose of industrial-grade penicillin. In reality, it refers to the federal government’s 2020 attempt to drop unidentifiable agents into American cities like they were playing a live-action game of Stratego, only to find that the local management was too busy arguing over the optics of their own paralysis to offer any assistance.

Tim Walz, a man who has perfected the 'disappointed high school football coach' aesthetic, is now the leading man in this judicial farce. His alleged obstruction, if it existed at all, was likely the result of the sheer, soul-crushing bureaucracy that defines his administration rather than any principled stand. To obstruct something, one must first possess a plan. To have a plan, one must have a vision. In the Twin Cities, vision is usually obscured by the smoke of a burning Third Precinct—a building Mayor Frey essentially handed over like a hospitality gift at a failed timeshare presentation. Walz represents that specific brand of Midwestern 'niceness' that is actually just a polite way of being absolutely immovable until the polling data tells you which way to sneeze. Now, he gets to wear the subpoena as a badge of 'resistance' honor, which is a convenient distraction from the fact that his primary governing strategy is typically 'waiting for the federal check to clear.'

Frey’s inclusion in the subpoena list is particularly hilarious to anyone who has spent more than five minutes observing his career. This is a man whose primary contribution to urban planning is looking like he’s about to cry in a very photogenic way. The DOJ’s assertion that Frey 'obstructed' anything suggests he possesses a level of executive agency that he has never once displayed in public. You cannot obstruct a federal surge if you are too busy soul-searching about whether your presence at a protest is 'centering' the right voices. Frey didn’t block the feds; he likely just forgot where he put the keys to the city while trying to figure out which artisan coffee shop was still standing. The idea that he was a tactical mastermind thwarting federal troop movements is the funniest thing the DOJ has written since the last time they claimed to be non-partisan.

Then we have Keith Ellison, the Attorney General who has spent the last several years trying to convince the world that he’s the vanguard of a new legal order while presiding over a system that remains as creaky and biased as ever. His involvement in this grand jury spectacle is the cherry on top of this sundae of incompetence. Ellison’s career is a masterclass in the transition from outsider agitator to insider apologist. If he obstructed the feds, it was probably via a strongly worded memo that was ignored by everyone, including his own staff. He is the third wheel in this subpoena bicycle, likely included because the DOJ likes to round up the usual suspects for a bit of dramatic flair before the cameras start rolling.

This entire grand jury process is a testament to the fact that we no longer live in a functional republic, but in a series of competing marketing campaigns. The DOJ is performing 'Accountability' for an audience of one, while the Minnesota Five will perform 'Resistance' for their donor base. It’s a symbiotic relationship. The feds get to pretend they are upholding the law, and the local officials get to pretend they are martyrs for the cause of... whatever it is they pretend to stand for this week. It is a closed-loop system of stupidity where the only output is more paperwork.

The tragedy—if we can even use such a dignified word for this clown car—is that the truth is far more boring than a conspiracy to obstruct. The truth is that everyone was incompetent. The feds were incompetent in their deployment, the state was incompetent in its response, and the city was incompetent in its survival. But you can't subpoena incompetence; if you could, the entire federal government would be under indictment. So, instead, we get 'obstruction.' We get grand juries. We get the expensive theater of men in suits pretending that litigation is the same thing as leadership. The 'Trump surge' was a political stunt, and this DOJ investigation is the sequel no one asked for. It is a feedback loop of performative governance where the only thing being 'surged' is the collective blood pressure of anyone with a double-digit IQ.