SEOUL—Calling the defendant’s actions “a total buzzkill” and “honestly just extremely awkward,” the Seoul Central District Court handed down a five-year prison sentence to former President Yoon Suk Yeol on Tuesday for his bewildering, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it imposition of martial law. “While we recognize the legal definitions of insurrection, the court finds that Mr. Yoon is primarily guilty of causing a massive dramatic scene and then immediately folding like a cheap lawn chair,” read the ruling by presiding Judge Kim, who noted that the five-year term was the mandatory minimum for leaders who try to overthrow the government but give up before the pizza arrives. “The defendant disrupted traffic, woke everyone up, and got the military all excited for absolutely no reason. We are sentencing him to a half-decade in prison, which is just enough time for him to sit in a corner and think about why he isn’t allowed to play with the tanks anymore.” At press time, Yoon’s legal team was appealing for a reduced sentence, arguing that he technically only did “a little bit” of tyranny.