LONDON—Dismissing security concerns as “xenophobic paranoia,” Prime Minister Keir Starmer officially approved plans today for a sprawling new Chinese mega-embassy near Tower Bridge, praising the building’s bold architectural inclusion of a 400-foot-long rotating telescope locked permanently onto the windows of the House of Commons.

Government officials defended the decision to hand over the historic Royal Mint Court site, insisting that the compound’s 50 rooftop satellite dishes, sound-amplifying parabolic walls, and strict “No Faraday Cages” policy were simply traditional Feng Shui elements designed to promote transparency.

“We must welcome our global partners, even if their diplomatic headquarters includes a 24-hour ‘Cultural Observation Deck’ that offers a direct line of sight into the Prime Minister’s bedroom,” Starmer told reporters while shouting over the hum of a massive server farm being lowered into the embassy’s basement by a crane. “Critics say this is a spy base, but Beijing has assured us that the thousands of microphones embedded in the sidewalk outside are merely an art installation meant to capture the ‘pulse of the city,’ specifically the pulse of high-ranking MI6 agents walking to lunch.”

At press time, the construction crew had already broken ground on a tunnel connecting the embassy’s basement directly to the London Underground’s restricted fiber-optic cables, which officials described as a “friendship tube.”